I need someone to write custom SEO software in C#

Can someone make me a peace of software... that when I type in a word "example : dog" 
It will place it on #1 in google for me.

This is not allowed : 
no backlinks
no social signals
no website
no blogs
no hands
eyes must be closed at all times
earplugs is a must

I would later want to expand it so there is a future for this project if your aboard with us : 
Upgrade the peace of software, when I call a number on the phone a voice recorder answers the phone with "please speak in to the phone your keywords" 
and than when I say something like "example : Dog" it replies, was your answer "Dog"? 
press 1 for yes, or press 2 to record new keywords.

If I press 1 im instantly on #1 in google.

my budget for this project is $6,43 and I think I got some ddr2 ram laying around.. 128mb tho.

#my TNG "the next generation" upgrade of the software would be implants behind my ear into my brains, so that when I think of a keyword it's instantly there in #1 google. this will simultaneously be a "dream come true" when I wake up the next morning with these inplants.
(i did not stole the name, nor am I involed with TNG from Senuke, we are 2 seperated companies) 


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